Dating as Me

I was never the romantic type. As a little girl, I didn't dream about my wedding day, nor my prince charming. Nevertheless, I always knew I wanted to have a family of my own. I am especially looking forward to being a mother. This desire to get married and have children, that has now turned into a sort of obsession, might stem from me being the eldest of five kids in my family, watching so many young people getting married and my Hassidic, ultra-orthodox Jewish upbringing. At 27 years old, having children is on my mind more than ever. There's this void in my heart that can only be filled once I do become a mother. In the meantime, I try to focus on being the best person I can be, my education and career. But I can't wait to raise children. I know raising children is not easy. Yet, I am eager to fulfill all my motherly duties, from changing diapers to helping the kids with homework to supporting them through their emotional struggles and accomplishments. I want the good, the not so fun and all that comes with motherhood.

I realize that not only does my relationship with my children matter but so does my relationship with my husband. I cannot wait to create a home with my husband, founded on Jewish values, respect, love, discipline, creativity and self-growth. Through my experiences in dating and life in general, I learned what kind of mother and partner I want to be. I know I have a lot of self-growth to do but at the same time I feel ready to be a mother. It seems like there are always people my age and even younger getting married and I feel more and more like a failure for not having "accomplished" what they have. I know jealousy is a horrible thing and yet I often wonder why them but not me. I start thinking how great their married life must be and in comparison mine feels bleak. I worry about being "old" when my first child is born and being the oldest mother in his/her class. I wonder if I will be able to live to see my children getting married and grandchildren. Time is zooming by and I am out of breath.

I sometimes wonder if I would be married with children now if I was still part of the ultra-orthodox Hassidic Jewish community. I was born and raised into a tight-knit Montreal community and attended all girls school. I was born and bred to be a wife and a mother, first and foremost. Hassidic Jews typically get married very young (19- early 20's) and start having children at a very young age. Additionally, they are set up. My mother, for example was married at 17 and had me at 18 years of age. But my destiny changed when I was ten years old. I went to a co-ed school and had to adjust to an entirely different mindset and lifestyle. It affected the way I perceived my womanhood and the way I viewed dating. While I was born into a life with a scripted path, I suddenly had a lot of unknowns. It is now up to me to navigate through the messy dating world and find my own partner...

 

Picture of me (the baby) and my family