My Knight in Shinning Armour

He was so special to me, my knight in shinning armour. He was different. Unfortunately, I met a great man under bad circumstances. And I know you might say that if he was right for me, it would've worked out no matter the circumstances. But perhaps I could have done things differently. Let me rewind... Last year, I was working as an educator in a daycare. I had a great boss and adorable little students. As grateful as I was, the job was tiring and after several months, the fatigue and stress started to get to me. To top it off, I was going through a bit of an existential crisis. Even though on the outside, I had things going for me, I felt a lack of fulfillment. Life was mundane and robotic. Although I am (and was then) religious, I felt like I needed a break from my reality to focus on my spirituality more. I never imagined doing this but after much thought and anxiety, I decided to go to a Jewish Seminary in the mystical, scenic and peaceful city of Tsfat (in Israel). There I studied topics related to Judaism and Torah (Bible) with other women. I had my downs but mostly ups. It was a soulful experience. I not only filled some of the void in my life but I also came out inspired to keep going on my spiritual journey. 

Despite all the positives, my time in the Seminary was a time where I felt very vulnerable. My soul was crying for a deep connection. I also felt self-conscious because on a more superficial level, I was dressed religiously, a way that I am not used to dress, out of respect for the Seminary (long skirts, etc). My skin was going through a bad dryness phase and my hair was fried (I think the sun in Israel was to blame, in large part). Here I am, self-conscious, out of place when I met him. We got along right from the start. He is a sweet, cute and generous man. I planned my trip for 2 months and ended up extending it for another 2 months, in large part because I thought I met someone great. I had to make a lot of last minute arrangements, and to an anxious, always-planning-in-advance type person it was absolutely overwhelming. I didn't always know where I was going to sleep, for example! At one point, I became exhausted living day by day and I eventually accepted his offer to stay by him, over my break from Seminary. 

Perhaps I should have stuck to my initial refusal of staying by him. You see, I felt like I knew him well at that point because we had been talking so much and we were going out too. I spent a large part of the Jewish holidays with him and his family. Since I was in his hometown, I followed him where he went. We also spent a lot of time apart, as he was working. But because I didn't have much to do, when he was gone, I found myself wishing I could be with him! Thing is, I'm actually the kind of person that often needs space and quiet but under these circumstances, I was surprisingly dependent on him, a man. I imagine that he must have been affected too by this dependency. Having another person around so much, in his space, couldn't of been easy on him. Although we got along quite well, we had a lot of issues too. I was seeking some comfort and stability and ended up dependent on him. In the end, it didn't work between us. Sometimes, it might be worth fighting your own battles, instead of hiding behind a knight's armour. 

Picture of me in Israel, while in Seminary