My Love Narrative

I hate the term “daddy issues”. It’s a term that’s thrown around too easily. I feel shame and judgment for coming from a “broken home”, another term I hate. I feel exposed, as if I had it stamped on my forehead. People assume that if a father isn’t involved in their daughter’s life, the daughter doesn’t have much of a chance of having a healthy marriage. Yes, I'm well aware of the statistics. But I refuse to be a statistic. I refuse to have anyone tell me what my destiny is. That’s between G-d and I. I’m action-focused and I believe that our choices and actions carry more weight than our “predispositions”. Think about it. A person comes to trial accused of domestic violence and his defense is that growing up he witnessed his father being abusive to his mother. While this defense might garner sympathy, people need to take ownership of their life and be held accountable for their actions. Additionally, I choose to use my relationship with my father as an example of what I don't want in my marriage or as a father of my children one day, G-d willing. Having said that, it's important to mention that I'm not looking to bash anyone in my writings. In fact, in Judaism, it's part of our Ten Commandments from G-d to respect our parents. I'm no judge. G-d is. Respect is one thing, choosing how much space I want to give my father in my life is another.

I barely talk about my father but when it comes up in conversation, I'm not going to pretend that he's involved in my life. I'm also not going to pretend that my relationship with my father doesn't affect my love narrative, that is, the inner dialogue I have about love that I base of off my relationship between my father and I and my parents with each other. It's easy for an outsider who doesn't know me, my father, nor our relationship, to tell me what feelings to have and what feelings not to have towards my father. It's no ones's business to tell me to find the guy and try and build a relationship with him. Period. Sometimes, I wonder if any man will want to marry me because of the stigma. Would a man from a tight-nit family agree to marry me? I mean, if I was still Hassidic, I probably would've been married with someone who also comes from a divorced family. And if not, the man would probably have a disability/defect of some sort. Remember, the marriages are set up. And it's not like my mom has all this money that can "make up for the damage". My father is not financially involved and wasn't either when me and my siblings were growing up. When I was growing up in the 90's (wow, I feel old) divorce was heavily discouraged and uncommon in the Hassidic community. In school, I was different, as well as in the community. As I lived in the Hassidic hub, I always felt like people knew me, even if I didn't know them. I noticed those stares for a long time. I was and still am one-of-the-five-kids who are from that broken family that left the community. I still live in the neighborhood and today, I call the shots. I shop in the Hassidic stores and I even interact with the Hassidic people sometimes. There's one family in particular that has opened their home to me and I go to them for Shabbat dinners, holidays, etc. And I still speak Yiddish sometimes.

My parents got married very young (my mother was 17 and my father was 21). They had me right away followed by my four siblings, with almost no break in between. As my mom was busy making sure that our physical needs were met (food, clothes, roof over our heads, school, etc), emotionally, I had to mature quickly. This is kind of embarrassing but as an adult, I sometimes find myself jealous of little kids when I see how much attention their parents give them, how close they seem to be. There's this crying child in me that dwells on what could have been. And what can (or can't be). Thankfully, I have a caring mom. We've had our ups and downs but I know she cares about me and loves me. G-d willing when I get married, she'll be there to support me but will my father? That's not guaranteed. It's no guarantee that he'll walk me down the aisle (it would be quite a site with my petite self) or be involved in my children's lives. But don't pity me! Life without a father is my normal, it's what I'm used to. I was seven years old when my parents separated and I haven't seen my father since. I don't miss him, as I don't remember him well. But I do wonder what my life would be like if I did have an involved father.

I remember this one time when I was a kid and a neighbor (older than me) threw a fruit at me. My father, six feet and three inches tall, hairy and moderately built (not your stereotypical Jewish guy) can scare someone just by his physical appearance. I thought my father was going to do something about the neighbor, like scold him but my father did nothing. So I wonder, if my father was different, if our relationship was different, would he have done something? Would he walk me down the aisle, would he raise my children on his shoulders like he did with me? Would he make different choices? That's something that I can't control. However, it's something that affects the way I view men. The inner love narrative I have when I'm dating isn't healthy. I don't fully trust men and I don't expect consistency (although I want these things). Perhaps my relationship with my father is most reflective in what I've put up with when it comes to the guys I dated. Maybe I subconsciously convinced myself that the "good guys" aren't for me, as I'm not sure how to handle all that comes with making myself vulnerable. Perhaps a major reason it didn't work with that man I met while in Israel last year was because I was vulnerable and it was just too intense for me. I cared for him and still do and I'm not used to that. In dating, it's come to a point where I don't trust my choices in men. I know what I need from a man but I'm unsure how to allow a man to give me what I need. One thing that I do know is that although I have a lot of work to do, I'm actively working on changing and taking back control of my love narrative so that one day my relationship with my husband will serve as a healthy role model for my kids, G-d willing.

 

                                                        Pictured is my father and I

 

Pictured is my parents’ wedding